Best of the Grammar Diva

Originally Published November 19, 2015

I thought you might like a chuckle or two before Thanksgiving. I didn’t write these, and some may not be politically correct. Just saying . . . and we will get back to commas next week!

Some Thanksgiving thoughts . . .

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. Jon Stewart

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. Jim Davis

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. Johnny Carson

Thanksgiving Day, a function which originated in New England two or three centuries ago when those people recognized that they really had something to be thankful for — annually, not oftener — if they had succeeded in exterminating their neighbors, the Indians, during the previous twelve months instead of getting exterminated by their neighbors, the Indians. Mark Twain

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. Erma Bombeck

An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. Irv Kupcine

I love Thanksgiving turkey . . . it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts. Arnold Schwarzenegger

The thing I’m most thankful for right now is elastic waistbands.Unknown Author

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before. Rita Rudner

Here I am 5 o’clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird’s butt. Roseanne Barr

Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminium foil and throw them out. Nicole Hollander

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. Erma Bombeck

Some one-liners . . .

Why can’t you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.

Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive? It had 24 carrots.

What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!

Who doesn’t eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.

Dear Turkeys, don’t worry… they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, women.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE.

Why do pilgrims pants keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks.

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? “If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!”

What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.

Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken’s day off!

What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar. (UGH!)

How do Rednecks celebrate Thanksgiving? Pump kin!(double UGH!)

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin pi.

And more chuckles . . .

My husband doesn’t think housework is a full-time job. So for Thanksgiving I served him a raw turkey because revenge is a dish best served cold.

If you didn’t want to sit at the kids’ table then you shouldn’t have seen the new Twilight movie.

I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn’t the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium. (Ouch! I didn’t write these.)

If I was a turkey, I’d be doing everything I could to taste terrible right now.

On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment . . . halftime. My aunt is bringing her homemade cranberry sauce to our Thanksgiving dinner, and my uncle is bringing his blatant racism!

Want to really freak someone out? Add 2 extra turkey legs to the turkey when it’s in the oven.

For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!

There is no sincerer love than the love of food. ~ George Bernard Shaw

Thanks to the following websites:

Jokes 4 Us.com

Quotations.about.com

Thanksgivingsayings.net